It is 10a.m. and I have not visited the gym. There is a mound of clothes on my unmade bed and I, literally, just finished applying my eyeliner. I know I am not lazy, but I still feel scattered and completely unorganized. My to-do list is incomplete and I am unsatisfied with my lack of accomplishment. I feel an unknown pressure pounding on me to be more productive.
This feeling is not a once in a blue moon morning occurrence. It is something I fight quite often. Sure, there are days when I feel like a machine after completing a slew of projects and cooking a meal for my husband. I feel empowered during these days, as if I am of greater worth. Yet, what about all of the other unproductive mornings when I do not measure up? The days when I cry in the shower and feel one-step short of everything. The afternoons of feeling chaotic, out of breath, and all my inspiration evaporated. I often feel scared and lost not having my life all together.
Organization, schedules, and details are what make me tick. They have always been something I have adored. I like to have a game plan so I can prioritize and pack what I need for the journey. This can be seen as blessing in some cases, but for those of you who thrive off prepping, you also know that it has its serious downfalls. Overthinking and preplanning can drive one mad! Thank heavens I have small other side that enjoys a little bit of randomness to juxtapose my tightly wound self.
On top of my knack for keeping everything in tack, I am also guilty of pitting myself against others in comparison. For me personally, blaming the mainstream and social media for the pressure they add into the sin of comparing ourselves to the ideal perfect is just a cop out. Much of what I do is completely self-inflicted. One scroll through the Insta app can leave me terribly bitter. I know I should be happy for the men and women who are achieving amazing things, and honestly I am, but I also measure their success against my own. Suddenly, I am back to square one, feeling unproductive and unworthy. I know this is not healthy. It is not what God wants.
Jealousy is another sin that follows this search of wanting my life to feel perfectly pieced together. I love to travel and spend time with family, these are two loves I will never break up with. My passion for both are boundless, endless, and all the other never-ending adjectives. Sometimes it pains me to see photos of my friends cuddled up with their loved ones when mine live far away from me. Boiling envy builds up in me when I see photos of my peers waking up in foreign lands, climbing mountains, or frequenting the places that I use to be oh so familiar with (Montana and Panera Bread at the Columbia Mall are at the top of my list!).
My goal is to not be opaque about anything I share. I promise to always be real and honest about what God has placed on my heart. Which at times appears to be written like a pin ball game of ideas bouncing everywhere, and for that, I apologize.
Two weeks ago, I was taken completely by surprise! After posting about my personal battle with anxiety, I was flooded with an overwhelming response from friends and family. Loved ones began sharing their stories, their struggles, and their desire to pray for me. I was floored with the response I received, it moved me entirely. Today, I am sitting here in my office in awe of the Lord’s presence right now. In this moment, I am completely thankful and amazed by how He is working in my life as well as those around me. Suddenly, I am realizing that all of the things I spoke of earlier seem very small compared to how whole He is making me feel right now.
1 Corinthians 14:33 says, “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.” He offers rest for those of us who are tired of treading earthly water and for those of us who are searching for His healing. In the book of Isaiah He promises a perfect peace to all who trust in Him and whose thoughts are fixed on Him, Isaiah 26:3 to be exact.
Yes, the mound of unfolded laundry is still on my bed. My waistline is still not where I would like it to be and neither is my heart. It needs major work in the areas of unneeded comparison to others and icky envy. As my Grandma Farmer always says in her best Beth Moore voice, “He is still working on me!”. My desk is cluttered with notes, homework, and unchecked to-do lists. I do not have my life packaged with pretty little pink bows and glittery paper. Right now, I barely make the large flat box rate. As imperfect as I am it amazes me is that Christ adores me just for this reason alone. He is crazy about the idea of me being weak so that He can be strong for me and come alongside me in my battles. It is not just I alone in which He feels this way. He wants you to feel one in Him as well. You may not know it, but He is pursuing you! He is offering you His love and the opportunity for you to feel complete amidst the disorder engulfing you. Jesus does not want any of us to have it all together, He only wants us to feel whole*.
*Merriam Webster’s Definition of whole
1a (1) : free of wound or injury : unhurt (2) : recovered from a wound or injury : restored (3) : being healed <whole of an ancient evil, I sleep sound — A. E. Housman>
b : free of defect or impairment : intact
c : physically sound and healthy : free of disease or deformity
d : mentally or emotionally sound